Quest for Democracy within families

President Obama welcomed the relatively peaceful ouster of Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak by invoking the words of Dr. Martin Luther King:
"There's something in the soul that cries out for freedom. Those were the cries that came from Tahrir Square, and the entire world has taken it up."

Do we hear such cries for freedom from within the confines of the Knanaya families living in Europe and North America? How do we as a community address this ongoing quest for Democracy within our homes? What about the families back home and in the Middle East, who do not have the socio-legal protection available to families in the West?

Whilst joint families in the not so distant past saw a scramble amongst the adult children to curry favour with the Patriarch/Matriarch (who ever holds power), the modern day nuclear families are beset with an ongoing struggle between spouses as well as between parents and children for power and control. When women were confined within homes to be home-makers, they pliantly acceded to their husbands’ last word. This has drastically changed in the past 2-3 decades. Wives also earn an income and are not willing to remain content playing second fiddle to the “Lord-and-Master”.

With no training in the skills of negotiation or in the art of give-and-take, a couple is left with only two options: Husband could either be a dictator or be labelled “hen-pecked”; and wife may choose to be either subservient or be described “as wearing the pants”. There is no third option and hence we have cases of few Knanaya adults (mostly husbands) being criminally charged for assaulting their spouses in UK and North America.

Parallel to the feuding parents, one also comes across a jostle for power and control between parents and children in their terrible T’s- Toddlers and Teenage-hood. Most parents misunderstand the developmental need of their toddlers and teenagers for self-realisation as an act of indiscipline and disrespect, and become heavy-handed in their responses. What could be an excellent opportunity to teach ones child the skill of negotiation becomes instead a pitched battle of wits finally leading to physical sanctions, viz., yelling, slapping, pushing and even shooting as in the recent case of Julie Schenecker in San Francisco, who the police say confessed to killing her two “mouthy” teenagers. On the other end of this spectrum, we see parents who are either divided, or, are mere pushovers; making them incapable of saying a simple “no” to their offspring. They are lacking in intellectual and/or moral capacities to challenge or redirect their children.

Most stories of our families in crises within and outside of Kerala include a lot of ordinary stress and social isolation. In order for any marriage to survive, compatibility has to be achieved in most of its varied and diverse elements that include education, culture, physical appeal, class, maturity, worldviews, ethnicity, so on and so forth. The weightage given to each element should be determined by the individual couples themselves, taking into consideration their personal situations and needs. They may seek the counsel of their friends and family before and during their marriage, but the ultimate decision should rest with them as a couple. However, this is hardly the case for most Knanaya families, due to the dubious claims of ethnic purity resulting in the practice of endogamy. The Knanaya community requires ethnic compatibility to take precedence over all of the other elements required for compatibility in a marriage, thus making it the proverbial spoke-in-the-wheels of holy matrimony.

We hear our clergy waxing eloquently about the virtues of respect within families. How do they actually define and understand this lofty emotion? Does it mean that wife and children should obey the husband and elders unquestioningly? Or, does it require the husband and father to demonstrate willingness, openness and humility to be questioned about their choices and decisions? Should the wife and children be also enabled to develop capacity to ask questions? Given the inherent gender bias of the Church and its belief in infamous doctrines like papal infallibility, its likely response to above questions is anybody’s guess.

In my article, “Making ‘Ahimsa’ a way of life” that appeared in the January 2011 issue of Sneha Sandesham, I had suggested “Assertive Communication” as an essential life-skill to deal with domination, bullying and violence in everyday life. Assertive communication is the ability to communicate without fear and anger. This calls for a positive self-esteem and an absence of irrational anxiety and fears, which likely is a tall order for most of us ridden with the “Catholic Guilt”.

What needs to take place within our families is to replace domination by husband/father with collaborative partnership between spouses, parents and children. Historical revolutions that had toppled unreasonable monarchs and dictators have taught mankind the fact that power is never handed over willingly, and that it is snatched through force and violence. However the people of Egypt have reminded the World that there is power in assertion, that it is possible to correct the imbalance of power without resorting to violence.

Apart from redefining ‘respect’, we as a community also need to redefine the much abused term ‘leadership’, which was powerfully role-modelled by Christ as he washed the feet of his disciples. Could we take a moment to ponder about how and when we had missed valuable opportunities for leadership within our families, by demonstrating willingness and capacity to place the needs of those dependent upon us before that of our own?